Grief, Growth, and Leadership

Lessons Learned from Losing a Team Member

A special post in memory of Mark McDonald.

On this day last year, February 27, 2023, we lost our dear colleague Mark. I'm re-sharing my reflections and lessons with the team as we continue to navigate this journey together.

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Mark was not feeling well. He loved “vanilla cupcakes with sugary icing and stuff” (his words). So, to help him feel better, our team sent him some. He texted me on a Thursday evening saying: 

“Just up from a nap and see the lovely cupcakes. So thankful. Appreciate you. Back to bed”. 

That was the last text I would ever get from Mark. On Monday morning in between seemingly important emails, slacks, and meetings, Mark’s partner, Sean, called to tell me that Mark had passed away in his sleep. 

“What?!”

Time stood still. Tears streamed down my face. Thoughts kept racing: 

“I just texted him.”

“He was feeling better.” 

“We just sent him cupcakes.” 

I have been through a lot of loss. Friends, cousins, grandparents, and both of my parents have passed away. Yet, this loss felt different. I had never experienced the loss of someone on my team; a colleague who became a good friend; and someone so beloved throughout an organization that his absence was felt by senior leaders in San Francisco, engineering managers in Dublin, and account executives in Melbourne. 

Unlike personal loss which we can compartmentalize as we go about our work, I was constantly reminded that Mark was no longer here. Slacks he was never going to answer, Tuesday 1:1s on my calendar he was never coming to again, and Google Docs with open comments to him that would never be resolved.

Mark and I at my ReCulturing book launch in July 2022

There is no playbook for the loss of a colleague. There are resources, recommended steps to take, and templates to leverage for managing the loss of an employee. But I did not want to just “manage through.” I wanted to lead my team forward in a way that honored Mark and felt authentic to me. I felt the deep loss of Mark, but my bigger priority at the moment was to be there for my team and colleagues. I wanted to exemplify one of our values that Mark exemplified daily: Always Learning. Here are other lessons I learned about workplace loss: 

Make Space: When I found out about Mark’s passing, it was important that I called every team member and gave them space to process in whatever way they could manage. I left space between saying, “There is no other way to say this, but Mark passed away” and their reaction. I told them to take the rest of the day off, and even the week off to make space for themselves to process. When I saw some team members in the office, I made space for that hug. I made space for my tears when I shared what happened to Mark at our People Team meeting and the team made space for me. Letting those tears flow allowed other tears to flow, too. I gave the team time to process through longer, non-rushed, boozy lunches (Mark loved a good Rosé) after several grief counseling sessions. We made space for our questions, our fears, our raw, unprocessed feelings, and the messiness of loss and uncertainty. 

Transform Pain into Creativity: A quote that struck me from Susan Cain’s book, Bittersweet: How Sorrow and Longing Make Us Whole as I was processing this was, “Whatever pain you can’t get rid of, make it your creative offering.” I was struggling, along with the team, to honor Mark’s memory while also moving forward. Worse, some of us felt guilty feeling energized with the new direction. I shared with the team that any energy or renewed sense of connection to our mission was what Mark would have wanted, and even, expected. At the end of 2022, our team reflected on the year. Of course, we talked about Mark. What I was most proud of, though, was how we navigated our grief together. We became closer, more united, and aligned on how were were making an impact in new ways that many of us did not think was possible before. 

Make the Loss Ongoing: Loss has a beginning, middle, end, and beginning again. Processing loss is not just steps to take, or phases to go through. I still feel the pain of Mark’s loss and don’t hide the tears that still randomly appear when talking about Mark. In her book, Bittersweet, Susan shared that, “You hurt because you care…If we could honor sadness a little more, maybe we could see it—rather than enforced smiles and righteous outrage—as the bridge we need to connect with each other”. And so, as a team, we forego the inauthentic smiles and spend moments remembering some of the lessons Mark taught us.

“You hurt because you care…If we could honor sadness a little more, maybe we could see it—rather than enforced smiles and righteous outrage—as the bridge we need to connect with each other” ~ Susan Cain

To remember Mark, we dedicated our learning room to him. We had an official ribbon-cutting ceremony that his partner, Sean, came to, along with some of his friends. His plaque with his photo is on the wall. On challenging days, I sometimes spend time in that room, reflecting on what Mark might do in certain situations. I see other team members doing the same.

Mark’s loss has strengthened our team and reconnected us to our “whys”. Brene Brown has said, “Vulnerability is the birthplace of innovation, creativity, and change.” Our team is stronger, more creative, and more resilient because we have been able to be more vulnerable with each other.

Team Outing, August 2022

In honoring Mark's memory, I've internalized the importance of leading with vulnerability and authenticity. It's a lesson I carry with me each day as I guide our team forward.

Thank you, Mark.

Co-facilitating a leadership session in Dublin (the last time I was with Mark)

and just for fun…the “Hybrid Holiday message” we (Mark, Rebecca Stern, Justin Mass, and Melissa Belardi) sent to our team in December 2021.