Do You Have Kids? Choosing Childfree in a Parent-Centric World
"Do you have kids?" is a question that has been posed to me countless times, my response shifting over the years from hesitant to proud to simply matter-of-fact.
“Not yet.”
“We are still discussing.”
“We are not sure.”
“No, but we have 16 (and counting!) nieces and nephews.”
“No.”
My husband and I discussed having children every year since the beginning of our marriage. He would say,
“If you want kids, we can.” Then I would say,
“If you want kids, we can.”
After many years of doing this exchange, and talking with family, friends, and counselors, we realized we had decided by not making the decision. We both wanted to continue to grow professionally with neither of us wanting to stay home full time. We lacked the kind of family support and community we envisioned for rearing children, given our distance from relatives and differing views on childcare.
The Selfish Stereotype
The childfree path hasn't been without its challenges. It starts with the name. "Childfree" is a more empowering and inclusive term than "childless," regardless of whether someone's lack of children is by choice or circumstance. It avoids the negative connotations associated with "childless" and acknowledges the validity of diverse life paths. The label 'childless' is demeaning, but it doesn't compare to other labels or biases I have endured. I was told by an old mentor that if I didn’t have children, I risked being a navel-gazing, self-indulgent, and selfish woman.
I found other mentors.
I've been unfairly judged, excluded, and even penalized, simply because my path hasn't included having children. I have faced biases in the workplace, often taking on extra work during maternity leaves on top of the responsibilities I already had without extra compensation. When I commuted via train for many years, I was relieved to have a forcing function like a train schedule. Otherwise, I was often expected to take “one more meeting”, or “one more request” at the end of the day. If I didn’t have children, what could I possibly be rushing home for? And I know, it’s important to maintain those boundaries, but as a young professional, I did not have clear boundaries like I established later in my career.
And today, in 2024, the conversation around childlessness has become political with proposals for higher taxes on those without children or suggestions that parents deserve greater political influence. It's baffling that a personal choice, like whether or not to have children, could be used as a basis for discrimination or unequal treatment.
For the record, I love both cats and dogs.
The Purse Incident
A colleague with whom I considered a friend (we’ll call her Janelle) was admiring my purse. A group of us were sitting at a table on a break at a major industry conference. Here’s how the conversation went between me and Janelle.
Janelle: “I love your purse!”
Me: “Thanks. I got it on sale (why do we always feel compelled to say we got things on sale?)
Janelle: “Oh! I forgot! You don’t have kids so you can afford the time and money to go shopping and get the latest fashion trends.”
The entire table fell silent — three male colleagues and two female ones, all equally stunned.
Me: “Wow. You just made a lot of assumptions.”
Janelle laughed and pointed to her “old purse” and reminded everyone that she had three kids.
I got up from the table with tears in my eyes. I was deeply hurt by her comments. This was 2014, not 1914. Janelle had no idea what my story was because she didn’t bother to ask. I am fortunate that I have never had to confront wanting kids but not being able to have them. What if I had wanted to have children like so many of my friends who went through a painful IVF journey but couldn’t? Despite having chosen this path, it was hurtful to be on the receiving end of such blatant bias and assumptions from a fellow professional woman.
And yes, I still have that purse. It’s a classic.
Choosing Your Choice
Choosing not to have children doesn't mean I don’t like children or enjoy being around children. It’s quite the opposite of that. I cherish my role as an aunt, taking my nieces and nephews on adventures they might not otherwise experience, providing an alternative support system, and also learning so much from them and their worldview. I also deeply admire and respect parents. I think it’s one of the most challenging jobs in the world.
This path was not what I was taught to choose. I grew up in the Midwest where the path was clear:
Get a college degree,
get married,
have kids,
and live a good life, hopefully contributing to society in some way.
If you are happy on that journey, that’s a bonus.
I chose another path with my husband. Are there times when I wonder what it would have been like if I had chosen a different path? Of course. Do I wonder what it would have been like to be a mom? Yes. Yet, that doesn’t mean that I regret the decision I made. Every decision we make has positive and negative consequences. I have a friend who chose to be a stay-at-home mom 20 years ago. She has three beautiful, intelligent, and successful children. She is happy with her decision yet still wonders what she could have done with her architectural career if she had chosen a different path. We both reflect on what might have been if we had made different decisions, while also acknowledging how happy we are with our decisions because we made them consciously.
More and more people are choosing not to have children. According to a Pew Research Center survey, the share of U.S. adults younger than 50 without children who say they are unlikely to ever have kids rose 10 percentage points between 2018 and 2023 (from 37% to 47%). This significant increase suggests a growing shift in societal attitudes towards parenthood and that traditional family structures are evolving.
Shifting the Conversation
As societal norms around parenthood shift, so too should our conversations. Instead of asking the tired question, "Do you have kids?”, let's foster a more genuine connection by asking something like, "What are you most excited about these days?" This simple shift in conversation opens doors to shared passions, aspirations, and experiences. Our lives are multifaceted, and what defines us extends far beyond our parental status.
And if your answer is, "My kids," that's perfectly fine, too.
Thank you for this post, Melissa. This is an important topic, and I appreciate you speaking about it and sharing your personal - and awful - experience. I hope the "Janelle"s of the world are reading!