28 Years Strong: Lessons on Building a Lasting Partnership
My husband and I got married 28 years ago today. Here’s what we have learned over the past 28 years on how to be a good partner:
Start every morning with a hug–the real kind
End the day by talking about what you are grateful for or appreciate about the other–not a complaint or a “to-do”
Avoid work talk for the last 30 minutes before sleeping
Clean up after yourself–no dirty dishes in the sink is like a love pat
Be aware that whatever context surrounded you both when you met will probably be the context where you both can best reconnect (e.g. at a bar, on motorcycles, at a park, in a painting class). Ours was at a self-development seminar (duh!)
Learn every day and share what you have learned. You don’t need to learn French or Guitar or Pottery. But not learning anything can quickly make you less interesting
Work out together. Weights. Cardio. Yoga. Sports. Whatever. Share some fitness routines and/or a trainer
Spend time apart. A night. A day. A whole week or more. With other friends. Life is more interesting when you get back together
Figure out how you want to manage those finances together. Create a system and follow it
Keep your health a priority. You will both feel better about yourself, but also lift that burden from your partner
Completely pick up your home before your partner returns from a trip. A clean home feels respectful and welcoming
Share your food. My sister taught me that years ago when they had one bagel left and without thinking twice, she split it with her partner. She even toasted it for him (!)
Make sure your primary bathroom has two sinks. Ideally, have separate bathrooms.
Only talk with each other when you are in the same room. Don’t yell between rooms
Meditate together
If you are disagreeing, don’t try to resolve it before you go to bed-–get some sleep. You will either forget what you were fighting about or you will have a better conversation over coffee (and sleep)
Do your own thing. It could be your careers, your hobbies, your practices–make space for each of you as individuals
Let it go–winning arguments is not the goal. Understanding where someone is coming from is. In any case, what is the point of the ‘winning’?
Hold hands whenever possible
Forgive each other. Forgiveness is an active choice. When mistakes are made, it will be best to fully acknowledge them, move on as quickly as possible, and figure out what you each learned
Make every date night like “Date 1”
Leave notes for each other when you are going to be apart–sneak them in the luggage, under the pillow, or in a purse. Thanks to my mom who taught me this simple act of love
Travel and explore the world together. We chose to travel 6 months in Southeast Asia instead of buying our first house. We don’t regret that
Quarterly and annual reviews are great ways to check in on how you are doing, individually and as a couple. It’s a great way to live more intentionally. We have done quarterly reviews in Shanghai, Lhasa, Singapore, London, Palm Springs, Carmel, San Francisco, New York City, and so many other places throughout the world
Work with a counselor or a coach on your relationship proactively
Be your partner’s best cheerleader. Eric started his book before me but cheered me on when I got a publisher and launched my first book before him. He packed copies of my book in his suitcase and handed them out at conferences
Put the phone down. Put it away. Listen to what your partner is saying. When you pay more attention, you will have more fun and more laughs
❤️‼️